In this episode you will learn: 

  • Why is it important to have personal boundaries
  • 4  signs that your boundaries are being violated
  • How to set and maintain healthy boundaries


TRANSCRIPT: Why Personal Boundaries Are Important

Hello and welcome. My name is Lori Lander founder of Lori Lander Coaching and I help women who may be feeling disconnected, unfulfilled or stuck in life create an exciting new chapter filled with passion, purposeful work, meaningful relationships, and connections with a like-minded tribe.

Today I am going to be talking about healthy boundaries and why they are so important,  4 signs that your boundaries are being violated,  and how to set and maintain healthy boundaries.

I first want to begin by explaining what personal boundaries are. Wikipedia defines them as guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe, and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits.  I  would define personal boundaries as simply teaching others what is acceptable and what is not acceptable in the relationship.

Setting and maintaining effective personal boundaries is not always easy   BUT  it is necessary.  Sometimes people worry that setting boundaries may appear selfish but I am here to tell you as a recovering people pleaser that this is simply not true. And As a matter of fact, people in your life will actually come to respect you more when you assert yourself and make yourself a priority.  This shows others that you stand in your integrity, that you practice self-love and self-respect and frankly it tells others that you put yourself and your needs first and foremost in your life..

Now let’s dig into why having personal boundaries is so important in a relationship.

Researcher Dr. Brene Brown states “daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.   We can’t base our own worthiness on others’ approval. Only when we believe, deep down that we are enough can we say ‘Enough!’”.  Setting boundaries helps us to protect ourselves by allowing ourselves to say “NO, that is not okay with me”, and feeling confident with your decision in the process. 

Setting firm boundaries shows others how to treat you and also helps them understand where the line is drawn. You are also better able to protect yourself.

Setting this precedent of establishing healthy boundaries early on helps you take care of yourself emotionally, physically, and spiritually and also live in alignment with your core values and your own personal needs.

Dr. Brown also found through her research that  “the most boundaried people are also the most compassionate.” She quotes “ boundaries are not division; they are respect.

Now I want to talk about 4 signs that your boundaries are being violated.

Oftentimes your feelings will tell you when your boundaries are being violated. That small voice inside that nudges you to let you know that something is just not quite right. It is in that moment right after the boundary has been crossed when you feel that sort of sick feeling in the pit of your stomach or maybe a tightness in your throat along with a flood of emotions that something is not sitting quite right with you.

There are a number of signs of unhealthy boundaries but I want to share with you 4 signs that I feel are important to talk about.

The first sign that someone may have crossed a boundary with you is when you

begin to feel resentful towards that person. You most likely know what I am talking about but it is in that instance when you question how in the world you are even friends with this person. You may question their intentions and you may question whether you want to continue this relationship further.

The second sign is when you feel anxious either while you are with the person or shortly after you have spent time with them. You may feel as though you cannot let your guard down when you are around them or you may feel added stress when you are in their presence.

The third sign is when you feel drained or depleted either when you are around this person or after you have been with them. If you are unsure, the next time you are around this person, notice your energy level before you meet. Then take notice afterward and see if your energy stayed the same throughout your time together or if you felt your energy level go down.

And a fourth sign is feeling disrespected in the relationship. When you begin to feel as though you are compromising your integrity in some way, this is a sign that a line may have been crossed in the relationship.  

I do want to note that it is important if you are struggling and questioning whether or not you are in a relationship with unhealthy boundaries, and you need more support,  that you should seek advice from a medical professional, a therapist or a coach.

Now that we have covered the importance of healthy boundaries and talked about some signs of unhealthy boundaries, I want to talk about how to set and maintain healthy boundaries in your relationships.

First, you want to identify your specific needs and whether they are emotional, physical, or spiritual. Once you are aware of your needs and what you will and will not stand for, you will be better able to define crystal clear boundaries in your relationships.

Think about areas in your life where you feel you need to set clear and consistent boundaries and ensure that you speak your truth openly and honestly with those in your life so they clearly understand how serious you are.  Keep in mind that you may experience some push back from those in your life who are used to you being a certain way, or allowing certain actions or behaviors in the past, so it is important to stand strong and remember the importance of why you are setting these boundaries in the first place.

Being persistent over time will help them adjust to this new way of interacting in the relationship.

I hope that this information added value to your life in some way. I would love to hear from you and learn what types of boundaries you have set in your life? Please provide your input in the comments below. Your feedback may help others who may be struggling.

Thank you so much for watching today. This is Lori Lander with Lori Lander Coaching and make today YOUR day!

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